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Submitted on
May 2, 2012
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Define,
      Refine,
            Redefine...
Change the lens
Soften the scene
Show you what you want to see
   Now I'm losing me
Who is me?
Better question...
Who are you?
You think you have
the power to change me
    You think you've played me
Maybe...
Every time you break me
I remake me
       Altered,
            Amended,
                      Ended
    And scene
Director Me

So now I ask...
Who are you?
I just went to write a journal entry and this is what came out so I thought I'd post it.
:iconlife-is-oppurtunity:
I like that you use used very similar words at the beginning, although I got caught up in thinking refine and redefine were the same words at first because they were so similar. Other than that, I did like how it flowed though.

"Change the lens/Soften the scene." I think those two lines were a little weak, I think that you could have made a bigger impact by exaggerating them and explaining what lens someone sees you from, and what scene you were in. Such as if they see you now, how would they see you if you changed.

"Who is me?" Is technically improper grammatically, but I believe you did that intentionally. That being said, I think that you did a force rhyme on the lines "Show you what you want to see/ Now I'm losing me/Who is me?" I think that you needed to focus more on the emotional emphasis on being unwilling to change. Your overall rhyme scheme was a little inconsistant, and I think you used the word "me" too much. I think there are better ways to emphasis who you are.

I am quite fond of the last bit "Every time you break me/I remake me/ Altered,/Amended,/Ended/And scene/Director Me/ So now I ask.../ Who are you?" I think this is quite powerful the rhyming is quite beautiful.

Overall, I think your originality could have been a little bit better. I wish I saw what makes you, you. You did a good job overall technically, and your vision was good. I think you started off very strong, ended very strong, but were a little muddled in the middle. I liked your piece, and thank you for sharing it. I think you did a good job and I hope I did not offend you in any way.
What do you think?
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:iconyesterdayswake:
YesterdaysWake Featured By Owner May 3, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Wow. I love the usage of similar words here.
There's a different kind of flow to it and it's beautiful. :heart:
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:iconlynniebunnie:
lynniebunnie Featured By Owner May 3, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Oh thank you so much. That means a lot to me!
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